


Solvent

by ParadifeLoft



Series: Not Your Hero [3]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/F, Gen, Grey-Asexual Character, Greyromantic Character, Minor canon divergence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Conflict, somewhat Kira critical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7413640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParadifeLoft/pseuds/ParadifeLoft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meeting the now-former commando Tala-Reh during her previous stay on Voss provided a streak of solace in the midst of a hellish waking nightmare - and her presence is a lifeline once more when attempting to help the former Children of the Emperor spirals into a disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solvent

By the will of the Force, Tala-Reh is at home when Rivka shows up on her doorstep. She takes one look at the trembling in her hands, unsuccessfully hidden by the pair of them grasping one another; sees the compulsion to run and hide and stay buried for an eon hovering behind her eyes; and immediately invites her in for tea.

Tala-Reh is smaller than Rivka by a sizeable margin, but she leads her inside with a gentle grasp on her hand nonetheless.

Artful, understated interior decoration passes by in a haze on the way to the couch in the middle of her sitting room  - a bright, airy space, open to a courtyard with the same riot of colour as the rest of the surrounding landscape. She thought it was lovely once, and now… it’s too much.

Rivka closes her eyes to it, and buries her face in the Voss woman’s arms like a dam bursting. Parallel to one another, they sink down amongst the cushions, Tala-Reh holding her against her slight frame. The sobs that Rivka can’t hold in any more are ugly, unpleasant ragged gasping things like dying - everything about this situation has been ugly. As Tala-Reh strokes her hair, rubs circles down her back, Rivka can feel the bleed of the distress she responds with instinctively in the Force.. Unsure whether it’s a comfort or another damning line in the tale of her failure.

_Can you tell me what’s happened_ , Tala-Reh asks, when the draws of breath become longer (too long, trying to avoid of the pain of exhalation from the emptiness it creates in her chest), instead of short hiccups in Rivka’s diaphragm. _I’m going to go and put on some water for tea if that’s alright with you. I’ll be right back. Is that alright?_ Rivka nods her assent, even though  something automatic catapults her heart back into her throat the moment Tala-Reh slips from her grasp. _On your own. You’re on your own._

But true to her word, Tala-Reh returns in barely a moment and slips her arms around Rivka again, cradling her crumpled, dampened face in her hands to the point where she’d need to squeeze her eyes shut to avoid seeing the worry and compassion in the other woman’s expression.

_I’ll have the tea ready in a moment. Can you tell me what happened?_

Rivka takes another lightheaded breath, and it can’t help but start to spill out of her.

_We found Sith on the planet here, out in the woods below the city - they’d been - slaved to the Emperor’s will, and now that he’s dead, it… there was something wrong in their minds. They needed help - children, younger than either of us, and they were so scared and hurting -_

_She insisted on bringing the one girl back to the Jedi. For healing, and that - I_ know _, I understand_ why _, but the Jedi don’t know about the Emperor, they don’t know how to help people who’ve been subjected to his power, to techniques they’ve never even heard of - the other Sith said the only way to save her was to let her go with them. And I_ believed _them, and I said so but Kira -  
_

_A Jedi isn’t supposed to draw their blade first. But I_ did _, because I couldn’t let her fight them -  
_

_She was so angry, said I was just as crazy as they were. And I - I pushed her back into the wall of the cave… The look on her face, I wish I’d never seen it. And then I told her she wasn’t coming back with me on my ship again._

_I don’t know what I’m doing any more.  
_

Her face is freshly wet and her eyes stinging by the time she’s finished, drawn into a huddled slouch with her head bowed away from the evaluation in Tala-Reh’s expression. A steaming mug is pressed gently into her hands and she takes it, gulps tea until her mouth is raw and burnt and can’t become a torrent again of compulsive words. Transferred tears salt the bottom lip of the cup before she’s done.

She can feel the echoing memory of inexplicable terror, cornered fury from the cave as it sits like an angry neutron star in her head.

_You’re saving people_ , Tala-Reh responds, her voice so definitive and plain as though this too were simple as a vision. Rivka envies her, has envied them all almost since setting her ship down on this planet for the first time… _You’re saving people by spreading truth. Refusing to let anyone take the easy path. Even when it hurts - it’s the way of the world to take pain before it allows healing. That doesn’t make you wrong._

She _knows_. She believes it, abstractly, in the way you agree with a statement in a philosophical symposium, before it shoves its way into your life and digs fingers through your emotions with a cruel, mocking smile. Still can’t bring herself to think her _choice_ was the wrong one -

_That’s not what you do to friends. That’s not what a_ Jedi _does to_ anyone.

It’s an emotional vise gripping around her heart and no matter how she tries all her practises to _detatch_ , let her feelings slide away from her, dissipate into peace -

All she can do is switch that attachment and intensity onto another focus.

_I’m a terrible Jedi. And they made me a Master. I don’t see how._

Someone else who saw the way Tala-Reh watched, drinking from her own mug, might think she didn’t care. Rivka knew better - it was a respectful sort of attention, considering but not interrupting. Letting her go at her own pace.

_I don’t know if it helps_ , she says finally, reaching to set her mug back down on the table. _Often it doesn’t at the time, but. Maybe it’s something transitional. Something you needed to see to get you where you’re supposed to be._

Rivka cracks a tearful, pathetic smile, unable to not make the connection. _Like the Dark Heart?_

Tala-Reh inclines her head; it’s only one example of that sort of thing out of many that she’s be aware of, she supposes. _Would you give it up, if becoming something new would allow you to make such a change for your people?_

The answer that jumps immediately in is _of course not_ ; selflessness is inculcated as a reflex in every Jedi. What value would her _self_ be if it came at such a cost? (Does she even have a self worth speaking of, any more, is the other question lurking in the shadowed hollows of her mind. And given the answer to that, is it not doubly justified that she should give, and give…)

But that’s not the point, exactly… She’s not surprised in hindsight that they’ve wandered in the direction of cosmic truths, but that’s not… She inhales. _That doesn’t make what I did justified_ , she spills out. She’s not crying any more, but now that just leaves her empty. Tired. Exhausted. Such an ever-present companion.

_But I can’t just…_ forgive _Kira either. Not after… there were so many small things that built into that. And I didn’t_ handle _anything, but I can’t just pretend like we make up over that and everything’s fine again. And that’s what scares me the most. That’s not who I want to be._

Tala-Reh stands again; Rivka looks up at her as she cradles her face again; closes her eyes with the firm, gentle contact of their noses and cheeks when she kisses her - caring, reassurance; she is grateful, and relieved. Tala-Reh brushes unwieldy locks of hair away from Rivka’s forehead, from the near-fight or shoving her head against the woman’s shoulder, or Force knows what else, after they draw away. _You should stay here tonight. I’ll comm Leeha, tell her you won’t be back at the ship until later. Or I could have her come over here, too?_ Rivka shakes her head no.

_Alright. Here, you don’t have to think about it yet if you don’t want. I’ll bring out some teahouse games, we can teach you some, I doubt you know them. That sound good?_

With a nod, a deliberate release of tension in her shoulders when she breathes out, Rivka agrees. Tala-Reh’s figure is a warm, comforting pressure when she wraps her arms around her once more.


End file.
